How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
