Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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