He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
And then he peed in my hair
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