You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
