when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
