im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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