Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
