That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
