doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
