the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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