Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
