so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
