Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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