i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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