Joe is yelling at the trees again.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
