Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
