I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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