i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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