How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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