I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
