3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
