If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
