If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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