dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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