I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
