I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
that is very illegal...i love you.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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