So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize