yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
