im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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