I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize