So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize