update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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