Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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