Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
