i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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