i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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