True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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