Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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