I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
