You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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