Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
