Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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