I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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