I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize