Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
