I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
