Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize