I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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