Swine flu. Run for my life!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
