In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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