some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
