two words: eviction party
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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