Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
