We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
