did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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