I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
