I heard we made out
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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