Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
