how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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