ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
