so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
