mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
