You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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