i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Girls should come with a carfax report
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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