I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
