Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
