You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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