kristin has been a bad kristin
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
