i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
no you cant smoke seaweed
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
